Ahead of Its Time [Complete Story]

[John Darnacan]

Ahead of Its Time
by John Darnacan

"There's an ancient secret skulking around on Acturus 3, not to mention an erratic Dalek and an insufferable PC activist. So then, why is the Doctor so concerned with cabbages?"

This was my first fan fiction story I wrote and originally posted on the now-defunct BBCi "Time & Space" board, from December 2003 through February 2004. The illustration below would be the "cover" to my story. I'm particularly proud of my drawing of the TARDIS. To be quite honest, I didn't think I could draw it that well. It's amazing what one can do in Adobe Illustrator and PhotoShop.

As my first attempt, this story is a bit more humourous than my later stories. I started with the goal of writing a story that included three bizarre characters described above, giving it a more Douglas Adams-type tone. My first draft of this story didn't include a companion. I quickly discovered why writing with a companion makes it easier to move things forward. Thus, Faye Austin, the chef, was invented. (My later stories were more plot driven.) So, it's short 11-part romp.

Enjoy...

[John Darnacan]

Part 1 - Unexpected Companions

Bob felt the warmth of the coming morning. He had been brooding all night. His 'companions' didn't seem to have the intellectual or emotional depth he had. None of them seemed bothered when the men came and took some of their number away.

The one, whose 'presence' they all felt, killed some of the men. But that was many days ago. Bob wasn't sure what bothered him more, the indifference of his fellows, or the brutal attack on the men by the 'presence'. The presence was old, older than anything else. Although he didn't think the presence would harm him, it made Bob uncomfortable.

In this, and many other ways, he was very alone.


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Faye entered the control room of the TARDIS, carefully carrying a silver tray, one given to the Doctor by Queen Victoria.

"Doctor, I think you'll like your lunch," she beamed. "I think I finally figured out how to prepare those blue triangular fruit things. You know, the ones we picked up at the market on the Delvorian space station last week. I was thinking of calling them 'Tardis Fruit'. What do you think?"

"Ah," mumbled the Doctor without looking up from the hexagon shaped console. Faye wasn't sure whether he was answering her or just lost in thought. Ever since the TARDIS left Earth, Faye thought the Doctor had been quite distracted. Perhaps it was the bizarre conference they had just left. The TARDIS had previously materialized in a convention centre where the 2017 Penultimate Conference on Political Correctness was being held. Faye had seen a few bizarre things in her brief time traveling with the Doctor, but the PCPC participants were the most bizarre things she had seen, at least on Earth. It's one thing to see three-headed slugs or dragon-like beings on alien worlds, but at least on your own planet you expected somewhat normal people. Faye was reflecting on the bizarre attendees, when she heard that sound again: shuffle-thud, shuffle-thud.

"Doctor, I heard those noises again." The Doctor continued to ignore her, only mumbling something to himself while he adjusted a dial on the TARDIS console. Another shuffle-thud came from somewhere within the TARDIS. Faye was worried it might be a malfunction. However the Doctor would be away of any technical malfunction. Or would he?

"Maybe it's a stowaway." That seemed to bring the Doctor out of his trance.

"Oh Faye, I've had stowaways on board before. It's rarely such a crisis. Yes, Steven was a stowaway. He turned out to be actually quite handy. Then there was Tegan, Turlough, and yes, poor Adric." The Doctor paused.

"Well, I have to admit that didn't end very well. But even those who forced their way in, like Barbara and Ian, were actually quite good company. You know the term 'stowaway' has such a bad connotation. I think I prefer 'unexpected companion'.

"Yes, yes, Doctor. But, what about now?" Faye pleaded.

"Well if we do have an 'unexpected companion', that's another mouth to feed. Perhaps some of your delicious bangers and mash?"

Faye was fuming. First, she couldn't understand the Doctor's lackadaisical attitude about trespassers. Then on top of that, the bangers and mash comment was a nasty cheek. Faye was an accomplished chef who had won awards for her noveau and fusion cuisine. Since she had been on board the TARDIS, the Doctor had never eaten so well. In fact, no one ever had. With all the new herbs and spices that she had acquired from her travels with the Doctor, including some long-extinct species of dill, she was ready to launch a completely new and unique cuisine, that was if she was ever able to get back to a professional kitchen. The only dish she ever made a mistake on was bangers and mash.

"Cabbages" mumbled the Doctor. "What?" asked Faye. The central column lowered to the position that indicated they had landed. With the flick of a switch, the Doctor opened the external monitor. It was dark, but a glorious sunrise was beginning to form on a mountainous horizon.

"Where are we?"

"The edge of the desert plains of Acturus 3."

"It looks beautiful".

"Looks can be deceiving," said the Doctor glumly.

"Acturus is a lifeless rock on the edge of nowhere." The Doctor threw the lever that opened the TARDIS exterior door. To their shock, a dalek immediately rolled in with a swiftness completely unexpected for a dalek, about as unexpected as a dalek itself.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting company," said the Doctor. "Mind coming back after I've had time to tidy a bit."

Then, the dalek emitted disconcerting screech that even the Doctor had never heard before.

"Well, if you're going to kill us. Mind if we have a spot of tea first. Faye, I think tea instead of bangers, if that's alright with you." The dalek's optical sensor quickly angled up and down in an agitated manner.

"YOU ARE MOCKING ME," responded the electronic voice. The dalek then turned away and faced the wall.

"Well, actually I thought I was humouring youÉ.I know it was an awkward response to a tense situation. I'm sure you understand."

"I think you've hurt it's feelings, Doctor," said Faye.

"You can't hurt a dalek's feelings. They have as much feeling as an igneous rock, a sedimentary rock at best."

"That's a dalek?" cried Faye. The Doctor had told her about daleks, but she had never actually seen one. What she mainly remembered was that a dalek was the last thing you wanted anywhere near you.

Just then, the Faye caught something out of the corner of her eye, through the interior door. A stick at the bottom. A globby thing near the top. Shuffle-thud, shuffle-thud.

"Yes, that's a dalek".

"Doctor! Didn't your say that daleks were dangerous."

"Did I?" The Doctor was clearly torn between his normally enormous concern about anything remotely related to the daleks and his desire to go outside. He went to the TARDIS door to see if there were any more daleks about. None were seen. The Doctor closed the door and approached the Dalek from behind. "Mind if I ask why you're here?" inquired the Doctor of the silent dalek.

"THE EXPERIMENT! UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES!" said the electronic voice. The Dalek kept its back to the Doctor, which also gave them the comfort of keeping its gun pointed away from them.

"Well, these things happen." The Doctor pulled a brown paper out of his coat pocket. "Care for a Jelly Baby?"

The Dalek rounded on him. Its manipulator arm extended and suddenly sucked several Jelly Babies out of the bag. It then emitted that disconcerting sound again. Nonplussed, the Doctor said,

"You're welcome. Now tell me more about this experiment you mentioned."

"THE HUMAN FACTOR"

"Ah, that again," mused the Doctor. He remembered that during his second incarnation, the Daleks tried to introduce a human factor into the Dalek's genetic and emotional make-up, much to their regret. There was something that just seemed to make Dalek nature and human nature incompatible. He wondered what made them try again. There was the shuffle-thud through the interior door, again.

"Oh, do come out and show yourself," called the Doctor.

"Faye and I won't bite, and the dalek doesn't have any teeth. At least, I don't think they do." Out stepped what appeared to be a woman with a wooden leg , a briefcase in her hand, and a squid on her shoulder. Faye thought she looked somewhat pirate-like, although she was missing an eye patch to make the look complete.

"Oh, I know you," exclaimed the Doctor.

"You're that cross-dressing activist who spoke at the Politically Correct Conference. Something about invertebrate rights, as I recall."

"Wrong on several counts," she said as she pulled out a gun and pointed it at the Doctor.

[John Darnacan]

Part 2 - Cry of the Politically Correct

"Oh I know you" exclaimed the Doctor. "You're the cross-dressing activist who spoke at the Politically Correct Conference".

"Wrong on several counts" she said as she pulled out a gun and pointed it at the Doctor. "First, the term is 'gender illusionist', not 'cross dresser'. And I'm neither. I am a 'transgendered' individual".

"Of course," said the Doctor. "Very politically correct".

"Actually it's 'socially sensitive'," snapped the woman peevishly. "Not 'politically correct'. In fact, they'll change the name of the conference next year to the Ultimate Socially Sensitive Conference, thanks to me."

"You're that cross-ressing activist who spoke at te Politically Correct Conferenc. Something about inve

"My name is Splice, Jeanette Splice, if you must know. Now, what are you doing in this loo?"

"Beg your pardon? This is not a loo," answered the Doctor indignantly.

"Isn't this the facility for ambiguously gendered individuals?" asked Splice stern voice.

"No, this is the TARDIS" answered Faye.

"The Association of Ridiculed Dissidents In Society?"

"No, Time And Relative Dimensions In Space" answered the Doctor.

"I've never heard of that group. Wait, you're just trying to confuse me!" She raised the pistol towards the Doctor again. The Dalek twirled around and shot her with its dalek gun. She fell against the TARDIS console. Her briefcase fell with a thud. The squid fell onto the console and them rolled onto the floor.

"Why did you do that?" asked the Doctor, while Faye knelt down next to Splice.

"IT THREATENED THE DOCTOR! MUST NOT EXTERMINATE THE DOCTOR!"

"I'm flattered. I've never had a Dalek try to save my life before," said the Doctor. "But you didn't need to kill her?"

"ONLY STUNNED" Faye nodded.

"Only stunned? I'm stunned. Are you sure there's really a dalek inside that pepperpot?" The Doctor surveyed the dalek carefully.

"What brings you here?"

"I NEED HELP! HUMAN FACTOR! MALFUNCTION! NEED, NEED, NEED..."

"Oh, they really did do a job on you, didn't they my friend? The Supreme Dalek never learns." He leaned over to the dalek and patted it on its casing, and said "I may be able to help you. But I'm going to need a little time to work on it. So you'll have to be patient. Can you do that?"

"AFFIRMATIVE"

"And no exterminating! Or the deal's off," explained the Doctor.

"AFFIRMATIVE" Faye jumped with a start, as something knocked against her leg. It was the squid with its enormous liquid eye looking up at her. It was holding the pistol in its tentacle. The squid raised the pistol.

"Why thank you my little friend," said the Doctor as he accepted the pistol from the tentacle. The squid responded with set of squeaks one would not ordinarily associate with a squid or almost any other sea creature.

"Well, I'm sorry to be such an appalling host. However, I have an errand to run. I'll be back as soon as I can." He went to the console and removed a component and dropped it in his coat pocket. I'll be back soon. The squid squealed its most unsquidlike squeal, and waved goodbye with two tentacles.

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Faye and the Doctor hiked out into the cool morning air. "I can't believe you're leaving a dalek and a stowaway in the TARDIS!" exclaimed Faye in a voice the sounded quite scolding.

"They could steal the TARDIS!"

"Well, you could stay behind and keep an eye on them," said the Doctor with a grin. "Don't worry they can't steal the TARDIS." The Doctor pulled the console component out his coat pocket. "At least, not without the time-space element."

"Alright, but what's Miss Splice going to think when she wakes up?"

"Well, we left her a note. Don't worry, she'll be fine" said the Doctor in a smoothing tone. Faye was feeling out of sorts about the whole business

"Doctor, where did that dalek come from?"

"I was wondering that myself. This planet in this time period is far beyond the daleks' usual spheres of interest. Besides daleks normally travel in squads. You almost never see daleks roaming around alone on planets."

"Do you know what it's looking for, what it needs?" asked Faye. "I'm not completely sure. Whatever it is, it's completely alien to dalek culture or existence" surmised the Doctor.,

"That's why it couldn't complete its sentence. It's something not in the dalek vocabulary. Could be anything, really. Trust, compassion, bangers, mashÉ" The pair continued walking in silence for a while. The Doctor noticed Faye smiling to herself.

"What?" asked the Doctor.

"I was just think I could make a nice calamari salad with that squid." The Doctor stopped as if shocked.

"Faye, I appreciate your desire to achieve culinary perfection, but that is no ordinary squid. Don't even think of cooking it," said the Doctor quite solemnly. "Promise me."

"Fine, I won't touch it," she assured him. "I just supposed a little calamari would make pleasant surprise, especially with daleks and crazy ladies ruining our day."

"Yes, I suppose it awful lot of commotion for a dead planet" murmured the Doctor.

"This is a dead planet?"

"Well, mostly dead. At least, it was supposed to be. That's one of the reasons the Time Lords chose it."

"For what?"

"The final resting place."

[John Darnacan]

Part 3 - A Familiar Face

"The final resting place?" asked Faye. "You mean something's buried here?"

"In a manner of speaking. The last of the Malzardi".

"So we're looking for a Malzardi tombstone?"

"Hardly." The Doctor stopped suddenly.

"What is it?" asked Faye.

"We're not alone" responded the Doctor.

"Of course, you're not. Late perhaps, but not alone," called a voice from beyond some rocks. "I was just finishing up." A short man with a bow tie and baggy trousers stepped out from behind a boulder.

"You?" asked the Doctor.

"You. Me. What's the difference?" said the short man ruffling his unkempt hair.

"Wait a minute," said Faye. "I know him. Or at least I've seen his picture...in the TARDIS."

"Yes, I know," sighed the Doctor.

"Well, who is he?" Faye asked. "Me" answered the Doctor.

"Well, who else was I talking to?" said Faye with a bit of annoyance in her voice. The short man chuckled.

"Actually, he meant that I am him. Or at least I will be him, because he was once me." Faye shot him a puzzled look.

"Remember, I described how Time Lords regenerate," the Doctor reminded her, waving a hand at his former self. "It appears we've bumped into my past self".

"Or, I've bumped into my future self. It's all a matter of perspective really," added the second Doctor.

"Anyway, I've disposed of the Malzardi, so you needn't worry. I assume that's why you're here."

"What about the cabbages?" asked the Doctor.

"My dear fellow, with the disposal of the Malzardi, the cabbages hardly pose a threat to anyone," said the second Doctor in reassuring voice.

"Why would cabbages pose a threat?" asked Faye. "Doctor, what's all this cabbage business anyway?"

"Remember, the Delvorian spaceport we visited last week?" asked the Doctor. "Oh yes, I picked up that triangular blue fruit and those picantium spices. What a waste those spices were; they completely overpowered the tarragon and the..."

"Faye" interrupted the Doctor.

"Do you remember the trader selling the vegetables? The one with six eyes, smelling of picantium? Well, he said that he procured his cabbages from the Acturus sector. And as this is supposed to be lifeless planet, I became somewhat suspicious. Either he was lying, or life on Acturus had evolved ahead of its time."

"Why would he lie about where he got his produce?" Faye asked.

"Exactly. Why indeed?" murmured the Doctor. "I still don't understand."

"Allow me," interrupted the second Doctor. "It all has to do with the Malzardi, a very advanced race, that attempted the greatest advance of all ... to transcend physical existence, to become non-corporeal, without need of the bodily demands of normal life."

"They wanted to become like...angels?" asked Faye.

"Angels, yes" smiled the second Doctor. " A very apt comparison, Faye. You know, Faye is such as lovely name. Would you care for a Jelly Baby?"

"No, thank you. Did the Malzardi succeed?" asked Faye.

"Oh yes, quite," the second Doctor answered.

"Yes, but imperfectly," interrupted the Doctor. "They miscalculated. While they no longer had bodies, they were still subject to physical forces such as radiation, gravity, et cetera. Not to mention the unexpected need for 'nourishment' and I don't mean the occasional salad. They obtained their 'nourishment' from the life force of living beings. The higher the life form, the higher the nutritional value. It became a rather nasty situation, one even the Time Lords could not ignore."

"I think I see where this is going," said Faye. "So the Time Lords put a stop to their 'feeding'?"

"Indeed so," continued the second Doctor. "The Time Lords chose this lifeless planet to maroon the last of the Malzardi, with the expectation they would die out naturally without any higher life to feed upon, effectively starving them to death. However, they turned out to be more resilient than the Time Lords thought. But no matter, I've disposed of disposed of them in a rather final manner."

"How exactly did you kill the Malzardi?"

"An inverse-theta wave generator I cobbled together," said the second Doctor with a self-satisfied grin.

"Very clever. Mind if I take a peak?"

"Why not at all, my dear fellow. It's just up that way," said the second Doctor, gesturing the way he came.

"Faye, would you mind going back to the TARDIS to check on our 'guests'?

"Guests? You mean the PC nutter and the dalek?" The Doctor looked over at his former self, who was smiling contently.

"Yes. Just check on them. See if they're all right." Faye normally would have felt annoyed being told to run along. However, given the Doctors were going to talk technobabble about inverse theta waves and such, she didn't feel she was being left out of anything too interesting.

With the second Doctor leading the way, the two Doctors hiked up the hill turning left at a fork in the path into a large cave. The second Doctor turned with a serene smile on his face.

"You did, of course, realize that I was lying about killing the Malzardi, didn't you?" inquired the second Doctor.

"Yes, I suspected that," answered the Doctor. "And, much more."

[John Darnacan]

Part 4 - A Shot in the Dark

Faye, made her way back at the TARDIS with some apprehension. Usually, returning to the TARDIS was comforting, especially at the end of some dangerous adventure with the Doctor. However, a dalek and this hostile Splice person inside the TARDIS made her very uneasy. When she got back, the dalek was trundling around the TARDIS in circles, as if on guard duty. She almost expected the dalek to challenge her, but it seemed to ignore her. She entered the TARDIS slowly. Splice was awake now, and less agitated than before. She was holding the note the Doctor left for her.

"Oh, I'm so glad to see you. I'm really sorry for my behavior earlier." Splice said. "I'm actually rather embarrassed." Faye felt sorry for her now. Splice had simply reacted to a disorienting situation.

"Have you had anything to eat?" Faye said, gesturing toward the dinner tray.

"Oh thank you. I am a bit famished." Splice looked at the blue triangular fruit carefully. She chose a piece of celery instead.

"If you don't mind my asking, but where are we?"

"Well, the Doctor says we are on Acturus 3. It's a planet,...very far from Earth."

"How extraordinary. So this is a spaceship, of some sort?"

"Yes, sort of." Faye decided not to mention the time traveling aspect of the TARDIS. Splice had enough to absorb.

"I know it's a lot to take in. I certainly found it overwhelming at first."

"That, ah, robot thing outside... that's some sort of security device?"

"No, that's not our's. That's a dalek. I don't know that much about them. But I'd be a little careful about him, ah, it." warned Faye.

"I'm sure the Doctor can answer a lot of your questions. In fact, now that you're OK, I'd like to go find him. Would you care to take a walk with me?"

"Yes, I wouldn't mind stretching my leg."

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The two Doctors faced one another in the large dark cavern.

"So, you realized that a reverse theta wave wouldn't be very effective?" asked the second Doctor.

"I suspected not," answered the Doctor. "However, there were other things."

With that, the Doctor took Splice's pistol out of his coat pocket, pointed it at the second Doctor and fired.

[John Darnacan]

Part 5 - On the Subject of Cabbages

The Doctor took Splice's pistol our of his coat pocket, pointed it at the second Doctor and fired. The second Doctor seemed to silently shatter and instantaneously reassemble. However, he continued to smile serenely.

"Quite confident, aren't you? If you had been wrong...well, that would have been suicide, literally, not to mention the damage to your precious timestream. In fact, I believe you would have created a classic temporal paradox, shooting yourself in the past. Tell me, how did you know I hasn't truly your former self?" asked the second Doctor.

"I didn't at first. You were very convincing, although the offer of Jelly Babies was a bit forced. Your generally benign description of the Malzardi seemed a bit off, though. But when Faye mentioned the dalek, you had no reaction. Then, I knew for sure. Daleks are no trivial manner to me, either in my present or my past. I take it you are responsible for the dalek's presence here."

"Ah yes. Well, that was the result of a failed series of teleportation experiments. Apparently, we teleported a defective dalek.

"You can teleport objects from across the galaxy?" asked the Doctor.

"Yes, Doctor. We've grown stronger over the millennia, considerably stronger. We can teleport, but without any real consistency or control, as least for now. Perhaps in the future, we will better develop that talent."

"You've also learned to resume corporeal existence I see" commented the Doctor.

"No, not exactly. But we can create projections, such as your previous persona. To be quite honest, we find projecting your previous persona quite enjoyable. We based it on an imprint we made of you at the time of our imprisonment. As I recall the Time Lords were putting you on trial at the same time we were being 'disposed of'".

The Doctor reflected on his trial so many years ago. From time to time, he had wondered why the Time Lords had given him what they believed was lenient sentence, exile to Earth. Perhaps in light of their experience with the Malzardi, the Time Lords looked more favorably on his own 'interventions'.

The Malzardi projection of the second Doctor continued, "When the Time Lords imprisoned us here, we really hadn't yet truly explored our non-corporeal nature. In our time here, we learned that beyond consuming the life force, we could also manipulate it.

"So, you're influencing evolution," concluded the Doctor.

"Yes. Admittedly, we didn't have much to work with on this barren planet, microbes, fungi, a few primordial plants. But we're able to speed up evolution on this meager planet, and alter it to our needs along the way".

"And cabbages are the best you've done," retorted the Doctor. "I don't know why I was so worried."

The Malzardi projection of the second Doctor smiled wider.

"They are unlike any cabbages you ever come across. Actually, the cabbages were what let us know you were on your way. It's funny how random acts of chance can change a situation quite dramatically. Fate can be a strange thing". The Doctor was amazed at how well the Malzardi mimicked his former self.

"A few weeks ago, our little prison has some visitors" the Malzardi continued. "Some Delvorian traders landed not far from here. We're not sure why they landed. Perhaps to make repairs. Your guess is as good as mine. Time had dulled our senses. We didn't even realize they were here, until they started harvesting our cabbages." The Malzardi's eyes widened. "Do you know what it is like to be starved for thousands of years, and then to have a buffet dropped in your lap. Their life force was quite succulent. But some of the crew got away. When the ship lifted off, we had lost our chance to escape." The Malzardi turned back to the Doctor. "Or so we thought." The second Doctor stepped closer.

"However, a peculiar thing happened. We were able to sense what was happening around our cabbages. We had bonded with the life we have created in some empathic fashion. And then we sensed you at their spaceport. We also sensed your suspicion, which has brought you to us."

"Your cabbages are sentient?" asked the Doctor.

"No, not quite. They are still only cabbages after all" responded the Malzardi. "But we are able to use them as an extension of ourselves to sense the life force of others. However, they were sufficient to bring you and your TARDIS to us."

"So now, you're going to feed on my life force" said the Doctor.

"Oh Doctor, don't you think we know better than that. As I recall, the Gallifreyan life force had a rather bitter taste," answered the Malzardi.

"Poisonous, actually" said the Doctor.

"Yes, your psychic immunity was quite an advantage," admitted the Malzardi. He strolled toward the cave entrance and look out with a smile. "Now on the other hand, the human life force was excellent for satiating our appetite. Your friend Faye might be quite tasty. But don't worry Doctor. We are in no hurry". He return to face the Doctor.

"Don't you see Doctor? Look what we've done on this barren rock. Imagine what we could do starting with more advanced life forms. And we will. Your TARDIS will enable us to escape our prison and ascend to greatness. What did your friend call us? Angels. And you won't be able to stop us."

Two gigantic round green forms emerged out of the shadows to surround the Doctor.

Cabbages.

[John Darnacan]

Part 6 - Unanticipated Complications

Despite her wooden leg, Splice was able to walk quite quickly. Her squid managed to hold tightly to her shoulder in spite of the pace.

Faye and Splice were headed back up the path the two Doctors had gone. However, they missed the turn that led to the cave. Instead they entered a small clearing surrounded by high rocks. The early light was just angling over the top of the cliffs, illuminating a field of cabbages.

Splice and Faye stopped abruptly at the beauty before them. These were not ordinary cabbages. They were a many beautiful varieties with vivid colors. Faye was already trying to imagine the different dishes she could create using these exotic cabbages. She walked over to a particularly vivid orange and purple one, and tried to pull it out of the ground. It wouldn't snap off. She realized she would probably need knife to harvest the cabbage. She gave it a savage twist anyway, just to made sure.

"I'd really rather you not do that. Besides, the roots go quite deep," said a voice from behind them. Faye and Splice turned quickly.

"Oh Doctor, you gave me quite a start," said Faye.

"I'm sorry," said the Malzardi, still projecting the image of the second Doctor.

"So, how do you like my little garden?"

"Yours?'"

"Yes, I've always had an affection for gardening, but rarely had the time to do any real cultivating."

"So, you've been here for a long time?" asked Faye.

"Yes, a while. My TARDIS had a malfunction," answered the second Doctor.

"Not to worry. I'll have it repaired soon." He turned to Splice.

"I don't think we've been introduced."

"I'm Jeanette Splice. And you're called the Doctor as well?"

"Yes. Care for a Jelly Baby?" Splice eyed them suspiciously.

"What are they made of?"

"Oh, sugar and gelatin I imagine," replied the second Doctor, still smiling.

"Gelatin is a animal-based substance. I'm a strict vegetarian," Splice announced.

"I'm sorry. Well, now that all the pleasantries are complete, we have a little mission."

"What mission?" asked Faye.

"Well, I was showing your Doctor the place where I defeated the Malzardi, when part of the rock floor gave way. The Doctor fell into a lower cavern." Faye started to get upset.

"Now, don't worry my dear. He's completely unhurt. However, he can't get out very easily. So, I told him that I would use his TARDIS to rescue him. So shall we go." He gestured down the way they came. Faye led the way. They entered the TARDIS, the Malzardi smiled.

"Well, here we are" announced Faye. The second Doctor familiarized himself with the hexagon-shaped console.

"What's the matter, Doctor?" asked Faye.

"Well, I see I'll being making some modifications to the TARDIS in the future. It's going to take me a moment to acquaint myself with the changes that my future self made to the controls," answered the Malzardi.

"Ah yes, here we are." He set some switches and turned a dial and threw the dematerialization level. The TARDIS made a sick sound, then all became quiet.

"What's the matter?" asked Splice.

"I'm not exactly sure," the Malzardi answered as he poked around the console. "There's a component missing."

"Of course, the time-space element," exclaimed Faye. "The Doctor has it with him." She looked nervously at Splice.

"With the dalek hanging around, he thought it best to bring it with us."

"Oh dear, this does complicate things," lamented the second Doctor. "Let me think." Clearly the Malzardi had not anticipated this.

"Couldn't my Doctor simply throw the time-space component up to us?" asked Faye.

"Or could we lower a rope, and the Doctor could tie it to the other end," suggested Splice.

"Those are very good suggestions. Unfortunately, the cavern is extremely deep. I doubt we have a rope long enough. And I seriously doubt your Doctor could throw it high enough, besides it might get damaged." He paced back and forth for a few moments. He would have to get the time-space element from the real Doctor.

"I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. The time-space element in my TARDIS might be compatible. I'll just bring it back here to try out. I'll be right back."

"Doctor, do you mind if I come with you?" asked Splice.

"Well, I suppose so," answered the second Doctor. The Malzardi realized they could feed on her life force. They were starting to feel the hunger again.

"Actually my dear Jeanette, I would be honoured by your company."

[John Darnacan]

Part 7 - Evolving Relationships

The Malzardi and Splice trudged towards the rocky outcrop.

"So, have you been traveling with the Doctor long?" asked the Malzardi.

"Actually, I just met him earlier today...well I think it was today. I was a speaker at a conference. During a break, I apparently walked onto his ship by accident.

"Really? What was your topic at this conference?" asked the Malzardi.

"Most find it silly, I work as an activist for 'invertebrate rights'. I'm a geneticist working on invertebrate mutations; I feel that evolution has put invertebrates at an unnecessary disadvantage.

"Actually I have a strong interest in evolution myself. My cabbages for instance were the result of genetic manipulation."

"Really? What a coincidence! Squaila is the result of genetic manipulation also. Not only does she have higher than average intelligence for a squid, she's also the first air-breathing squid."

"And how long did that take you?" asked the Malzardi.

"Three years" answered Splice proudly.

"Only three years? Most impressive. My work has taken me much longer. However, I have achieved some notable results. Perhaps we should consider collaborating?"

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The Doctor had been held prisoner by the two giant cabbages-like creatures. These were perhaps the Malzardi's most advanced mutations. He tried to push past them, with little effect. The creatures were too strong. He still had Splice's pistol. However, he didn't think shooting a six-foot cabbage would have much effect. It would probably just aggravate them. And being crushed by six-foot cabbages would be too embarrassing for his obituary. He had tried talking to them. While they seemed to react, they did not show any signs of comprehension, or of backing off. A third cabbage-creature entered the cave. The other two reacted to its presence. They parted to allow the Doctor to pass. The Doctor approached the newly arrived cabbage.

"So I suppose you're the 'head' of the cabbages" quipped the Doctor. The cabbage creature was trying to tell the Doctor something. He could almost hear words, but not quite words. There was something almost empathic about this creature. The other two cabbages were becoming quite agitated. They started to move toward the Doctor.

"Come" the cabbage said without an audible voice. However, the meaning was clear to the Doctor. It then moved quickly out a side cavern. The Doctor followed. After several minutes of running through various caverns and tunnels, they had lost their pursuers.

"So, I take it you are a renegade of sorts?"

"Yes" the cabbage creature said in a voice not remotely human. Yet, the Doctor sensed pain in the creature. He realized that there was the empathic quality of this creature was no illusion.

"Do you have a name?" The Doctor sensed a negative response. "Well then, how about Bob?" The cabbage creature seemed to like having a name.

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The Malzardi stopped abruptly.

"What's the matter?" asked Splice.

The projected image of the second Doctor turned toward the rocky outcropping, precisely where Bob and the Doctor were.

[John Darnacan]

Part 8 - Unfortunate Words

Faye was alone in the TARDIS waiting for Splice and the second Doctor to return. She saw Splice's briefcase still laying on the floor under the console. She went outside to see if they were on their way. She only saw the dalek trundling in the same circles. She went back inside and decided to open the briefcase. She wasn't whether sure she still distrusted her anymore. But she couldn't resist the temptation. She opened the briefcase. As she read the contents, Faye realized that Splice was more than animal rights activist.


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Bob and the Doctor enter the clearing where the Malzardi found Faye and Splice earlier.

"What a beautiful family you have?" said the Doctor as he surveyed the wide variety of exotic cabbages. The Doctor felt a wave of disapproval from Bob. Apparently, Bob looked down somewhat on his distant cousins.

"It's quite clear you're sentient. Do the Malzardi know?" The cabbage nodded from side to side, indicating no. "So, you're an unexpected mutation in their efforts to control evolution," mused the Doctor. "Control mongers always lose control in the end."

"I'm afraid you're wrong about that, Doctor," said the Malzardi. Splice entered the clearing at his side.

"You made it quite easy for me to find you," The second Doctor's image motioned out at the cabbage patch.

"It acts like a very large sensor array. You entered the most sensitive area of the planet."

"Of course." Splice was eyeing Bob.

"What a magnificent creature!"

"Yes, fate does seem to be running my way." The Malzardi grinned at the Doctor and turned to Splice. "A serendipitous jump in my evolution programme, and a gift to our new partnership." The stood admiring Bob.

"Jeanette, as a reputable scientist, you can't cooperate with him" pleaded the Doctor. "He only wants to alter life to his personal benefit."

"To benefit all 'invertebrates'" countered the Malzardi.

"Doctor, it's why I became a geneticist, an activist and a vegetarian!" The Doctor sensed Bob's anger.

"Bob, don't!" yelled the Doctor. But it was too late. Bob had rushed at Splice, crushing her against the rock wall. Her limp body crumpled. Squaila ran off frightened. Everyone was silent with shock.

"As I always say, never tell a sentient cabbage that you're a vegetarian" mumbled the Doctor. Before anyone realised what happened, the top half of Bob exploded, blown away by the blast of a dalek gun. The dalek entered the rock clearing followed by Faye.

"I went through Splice's papers. It turns out she was a lot more than we thought" exclaimed Faye.

"And now she's less" mumbled the Doctor.

"Doctors, are you alright?" asked Faye.

"Doctor, singular. He's not really me. He's a Malzardi projection of my former self." The Malzardi projection looked around at Splice's limp body and cabbage fragments that used to be Bob.

"I guess fate isn't running as much your way as you thought" said the Doctor. "Perhaps" said the Malzardi in a low voice. "But I still have options. I still have you and Faye, and I'll have your TARDIS." As he said this, four cabbage creatures entered the rock clearing from the far side.

"Yes, but we have a dalek!" exclaimed Faye. "And you saw what it did to your cabbage."

"My dear Faye, it won't do any good if I drain your life force" said the Malzardi in the second Doctor's sweetest voice. The honeyed voice made him sound that much more evil.

"That won't be necessary. I'll give you what you want. I'll take you anywhere in the universe you want to go. You will have escaped at last."

[John Darnacan]

Part 9 - Surrender

"My dear Faye, it won't do any good if I drain your life force" said the Malzardi in the second Doctor's sweetest voice. The honeyed voice made him sound that much more evil.

"That won't be necessary. I'll give you what you want" announced the Doctor. "I'll take you anywhere universe you want to go. You will have escaped at last."

"Actually, all I need is that time-space element in your pocket" the Malzardi projection said as it took a threatening step closer to Faye.

"Well, I'm afraid I've made a lot of modifications since I looked like you. The TARDIS even has a new console, as I think you may have noticed." The Doctor pulled the time-space element out of his pocket and placed it in the second Doctor's hand.

"This is useless without me." The second Doctor's face scowled.

"Very well. But no tricks. Remember, I can still feed on your life force, bitter or not."

"Deal" answered the Doctor.


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They all walked back to the TARDIS. Two doctors, Faye and a dalek.

"I can't believe you are doing this" groaned Faye. "You're actually going to help him escape?"

"I've given my word...in exchange for your life" said the Doctor flatly.

"If what you've told me is true, these Malzardi could create a holocaust anywhere you take them, screw up evolution, who knows what else. Don't do this!" she implored.

"In all my time wandering time and space, I've learned one thing: Even I can only solve one set of problems at a time" explained the Doctor. They finally arrived at the TARDIS.

"Well, all aboard" said the Malzardi with glee. Out of the mountain came a beautiful and energetic aurora of multi-colored light moving straight for the TARDIS. The second Doctor looked at Faye. "Now you know what 'angels' look like". The energy ribbons entered the TARDIS. The second Doctor's face looked quite placid. "Well, shall we?" "Not all of us."

"Are you reneging on our agreements already, Doctor?"

"No, not at all. The agreement was for me to take you. And that I will do. However, Faye and the dalek stay here".

"I said no tricks, Doctor"

"And this is no trick, merely insurance that you won't hurt Faye, once I've fulfilled my part of our agreement. As you said you can always feed on me, regardless of the bitterness."

"Why do you want the dalek to stay?"

"As protection for Faye."

"Protection?"

"Yes, your cabbage creatures. The dalek would be ineffective against you. However, as we've seen, it slices and dices cabbages quite nicely. And, you may have other rogue cabbages".

"Well, I doubt that. But, very well." The Malzardi was eager to leave. "Say your good-byes to Faye and your unstable dalek". The Doctor went over and spoke to them both. He walked back to the TARDIS door and turned.

"I'll be back as soon as I can" he called. He closed the TARDIS door. In a moment, the TARDIS dematerialised with a sound that could only be described as a crazed elephant giving birth. Faye realised that she had never been on the outside of the TARDIS when it dematerialized. It emphasized that she was now completely alone on a dead planet. Then, she heard the dalek start to move.

She was screamed as the dalek whirled around and the electronic voice blurted out, "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE!"

[John Darnacan]

Part 10 - Getting Away from It All

The TARDIS dematerialised smoothly. The Malzardi projection of the second Doctor looked quite fascinated with the TARDIS controls. The Doctor surveyed at him from the other side of the console. He had met his former selves several times as he trekked across the time-space continuum. He rarely enjoyed it, but it truly rankled him that the Malzardi had chosen his own image to project. Perhaps what annoyed him most was that they did it so well.

"Once we achieve temporal equilibrium, we can set a course. Have you decided where you want to go?"

"Don't forget 'when'" reminded the Malzardi. "How about Gallifrey? Ah, but that's such as 'bitter' place. Perhaps Earth would provide a better harvest. Later in its history, so they'll be a larger population". The Malzardi smiled at the Doctor.

"No objections?"

"Every objection!" snarled the Doctor.

"But I'll do it anyway, as I have little choice".

"It's interesting. You look down on us, as if you are so much nobler. Yet, you are willing to sacrifice possibly billions of lives to save one friend. Where is the nobility in that?" asked the Malzardi. The Doctor looked back to the console.

"Temporal equilibrium achieved" reported the Doctor. "I've set the coordinates for Earth, 3000 AD. A population of twelve billion should be sufficient." The Malzardi nodded. With that, he initiated the temporal vector. The Malzardi fell against the console.

"What did you do?"

"I set the temporal vector and initiated it, as you wanted." The Doctor showed the Malzardi the settings.

"Check them yourself." The projection fell to the floor. Pulsating energy waves surrounded his body. The colors turned sickly greens. The Malzardi was looking less like the second Doctor. "What is happening?" yelled the Malzardi through gritted teeth.

"Weakness...draining". The second Doctor's body was shuttering. What is happening?" he yelled again. "You know, I have a theory" mused the Doctor. "Perhaps you've infused so much of your own life force into the vegetation on Arcturus 3, you left some of it behind."

"We must go back!" the Malzardi yelled. By now the projection no longer looked anything like the Doctor. It took on the slightly reptilian appearance of a corpeal Malzardi, from before they ascended to their 'angel-like' existence.

"Well, I'm afraid we're committed to our current course. A sudden vector change could rip apart the TARDIS. And that wouldn't do anyone any good". The Doctor looked at the console for a moment.

"I know. I can set the TARDIS on auto-return. That way, we'll bounce right back to Acturus."

"Do it!" scream the Malzardi, just before the projection completely dissolved.

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The TARDIS rematerialised on Acturus 3. The door flew open as a sickly green energy wave flowed out. The Doctor stepped outside. There was no sign of Faye or the dalek. He quickly hiked towards the rocky outcropping near the cabbage patch. As he hurried up the hill, he heard the firing of a dalek gun. As he entered the rock clearing, Faye ran up to him and hugged him.

"Oh Doctor, I never thought I'd see you again. The dalek went crazy. It started shooting everything". The dalek was on the distant side of the clearing shooting blue cabbages. Clouds of cabbage leaves exploded with each satisfying blast.

"Expressing his true dalek nature I see. Quite a catharsis for him I'd think."

"How can you joke? He's gone crazy" Faye warned.

"Not really. He's only doing what I asked him to do."

"You asked him?"

"Yes, once the TARDIS dematerialized".

"My goodness, I forgot about the Malzardi. Where did you take them?"

"I brought them right back here. Apparently, the Malzardi infused too much of its own life force in the local flora. Our dalek friend there attacked the Malzardi's Achilles heel, quite thoroughly by the looks of it' explained the Doctor.

"Won't the Malzardi try to take revenge?"

"I expect we'll be long gone before they are strong enough, if ever". An orange and purple cabbage exploded nearby with unusual verve. The dalek had returned to this side of the clearing.

"Ah my friend, an excellent job. And don't think I have forgotten your needs. I promised to help you and indeed I shall. Would you mind opening your dome?" The dalek turned. As it did so its dome angled open to provide the Doctor with a good view of its interior. Faye couldn't resist peaking in. She pulled back with revulsion at seeing the blobby creature inside. She hadn't really thought of what was inside a dalek. She just thought of it as a type of robot.

"Doctor, what is that?" She asked with queasiness in her voice.

"That is a dalek" answered the Doctor very matter-of-factly. "This casing is merely a conveyance, a sort a taxi if you will". The Doctor continued his examination of the dalek and the casing's interior. Faye saw a few yet undestroyed cabbages. She walked over to look at a pink and yellow variety. She pulled on it. It gave way much more easily than on her previous attempt. As it came out of the ground, it gave a squeal. She examined the cabbage, then jumped with fright. Squaila had been hiding underneath it. The squid was shivering with fright. Faye felt sorry for her.

"It's alright" she said in soothing voice. She extended her hand down as she had seen Splice do. Squaila extended her tentacles up. Before Faye realized it, the squid had climbed onto her shoulder. Faye was a little apprehensive. Her only experience with squids was preparing them in the kitchen. She walked back to the Doctor and the dalek.

"Look who I found? she called nervously.

"Ah, just the squid I was thinking of" answered the Doctor. "Hello Squaila. It's been a rough day". He took Squaila from Faye's shoulder and brought her to the dalek's open dome.

"What do you think? Nice and roomy, eh?". With that, he put Squaila into the dalek's casing. Faye came over to peak in again.

"You're kidding!" she called out incredulously.

"Nice couple, don't you think? I told you what he needed what outside the dalek vocabulary. There's nothing further from dalek culture than love and friendship". He turned to walk back to the TARDIS.

"Do you think it'll work?" she asked.

"I think it's the dalek's best chance, Squaila can provide companionship to meet the needs of his humanity, and he can go shoot cabbages and such to fulfill his remaining dalek nature. It'll also keep what's left of the Malzardi at bay."

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The Doctor was recalibrating the time-space element when Faye rolled in a trolley with two trays on it. Faye picked up Splice's unlatched briefcase and the papers lying on top of it, which were still lying beneath the console where she left them.

"Did you know Jeanette Splice was a scientist? There's some pretty extreme stuff here." She said as she handed the papers to the Doctor. The Doctor looked at the document with varying expressions.

"Yes" mumbled the Doctor. "I've seen this all before, genetic manipulation to create a better world. They all mean well at first, but then they become blind fanatics. Davros, the Rani and a hundred others, all of them fanatics. Jeanette Splice, geneticist, activist, vegetarian, and fanatic."

Suddenly, there was a loud crash, as if something collided with the TARDIS.

[John Darnacan]

Part 11 - Change of Menu

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as if something collided with the TARDIS.

Faye turned on the monitor. The dalek was just outside, moving in a very erratic manner. It crashed into the TARDIS again.

The Doctor opened the external door and went outside, as Faye watched on the monitor. The Doctor walked up to the dalek and knocked on its dome. The dome lifted up, obscuring the Doctor's face. The dome closed and he returned inside.

"It's alright" smiled the Doctor.

"He's giving Squaila driving lessons". They both laughed. Then Faye's face went pale as she abruptly stopped laughing. The Doctor turned to see the image of the second Doctor mixed with the image of the Malzardi's true appearance. It was like television reception between two channels, one image alternating erratically with the other, yet neither quite solid. Weakened, it was literally a shadow of its former self.

"It's time to feed" growled the Malzardi, now without any of the second Doctor's charm. He walked fitfully toward Faye. The Doctor went to push him away, but instead pushed through him like smoke and fell against the wall. He tripped over a bag of cabbages that Faye must have brought in. He grabbed them and headed for the door.

"Dalek! Squaila! ...Cabbages! Shoot!" he yelled as he threw the bag of cabbages in the air. Three cabbages came out of the bag in flight. Within a split second, the dalek gun went off, blowing the cabbages into a sky of pink and yellow confetti. The Malzardi dissolved into a sickly cloud of energy and then faded.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he rushed back into the TARDIS.

"I'm fine, but that was close" she gasped.

"I thought they were too weak now"

"I suppose it was one last desperate surge, sort of like a bulb growing brighter just before it burns out". The Doctor looked around the floor.

"Did you bring any other cabbages in here?"

"No....well..."

"Yes?"

Faye went over to the trolley and pulled the cover off one of the trays. The Doctor surveyed what was on the tray.

"Cabbage soup?" inquired the Doctor.

"Well, I finally found something that worked well with the picantium spices."

"You really are a fanatic, yourself" he chided her.

"Oh no!" she gasped with horror.

"What is it?"

"I tasted it!" She stared up at the Doctor.

"Does that mean the Malzardi's life force is now in me?" The doctor picked up a soupspoon and dipped it into one of the bowls, and looked at the spoon's contents.

"Indigestion perhaps, but I think you'll be fine" judged the Doctor, as he poured the soup back into the bowl. "I think you cooked the life force out of it". Faye still looked nervous. She picked up the bowls and headed for the door.

"I just don't feel right serving this, if you don't mind" she said over her shoulder. The Doctor nodded.

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The Doctor and Faye said their good-byes. The dalek and Squaila who seemed to getting along quite well. They would stay on Acturus "pruning back" the Malzardi as needed. Once again, the desert plain of Acturus 3 was filled with the sound of a crazed elephant in labour as the TARDIS dematerialized. Once the Doctor finished achieving temporal equilibrium, he walked over to the trolley.

"I'm afraid to ask, but what's on the other tray?" inquired the Doctor. Faye smiled and pulled off the cover.

"Bangers and mash" she said proudly.

"You are a fanatic!" he chided. He sliced off a piece and put it in his mouth. "A fanatic, but a good fanatic". Faye smiled as the Doctor took another bite.

The End

[Meddling Monkey]

I love this story. I never read it before. It's very Douglas Adams.

I love the bit about the squid. ;D