Jokes

[duncan]

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[John Darnacan]

duncan said:

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Fitz Kreiner]

duncan said:

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

;D ;D ;D

good one MB!

[John Darnacan]

The Pirate Returns

A pirate walked into a pub and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Fitz Kreiner]

;D

brilliant!

[Oldmankrondas]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

For drizzle!

;D

That is all...

[John Darnacan]

The Rabbit on the Road

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves. Again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says...




(Are you ready for this?)




(Are you sure?)




(This is bad!)




(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line)




(You know you're gonna be sorry)




(Last chance)




(OK, here it is)




It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair and adds permanent wave."

[Fitz Kreiner]

Ba-dum tish!

[John Darnacan]

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

[Fitz Kreiner]

;D

[Meddling Monkey]

George Bush and his Math Skills

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[Fitz Kreiner]

;D

good one MM

[John Darnacan]

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when sudden a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and YSL tie,
leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "Sure."

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his laptop, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA webpage on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"

"That's amazing. That is correct; take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of his animals and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then the shepherd says: "Now, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," answers the young man.

"Clearly, you're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"That's right," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess?"

"No guessing required" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

[Slagathor]

The Dead Mother-in-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150.

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[Slagathor]

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White house. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've only been in your second term of office for a year! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."