Jokes

[John Darnacan]

Chet, the Singing Parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols.

He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing.

The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night". The man becomes very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts singing "Jingle Bells".

The man says that Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night" again. He then moves the lighter under Chet's right foot and, again, Chet lets loose with a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious, the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird's legs.

The bird begins to sing ......"Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire!"

[Claire Voyant]

;D ;D

[The Doctor]

;D ;D ;D

The Alabama Farmer


What do you call an Alabama Farmer with a sheep under his arm?







A Pimp.

[The Doctor]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Kitten Kong Destroyed Wotan]

What do you get if you throw two grenades at Basil Brush after he's just made a joke

A HA HA HA
BOOM!
BOOM!

[Hoichi]

thedoctor said:

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[Hoichi]

kkdw said:

What do you get if you throw two grenades at Basil Brush after he's just made a joke

A HA HA HA
BOOM!
BOOM!

That will teach him to become a prat! ;D

[John Darnacan]

What a Difference a Word Makes

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.

He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong?

"The word is celebrate," cries the old monk.

[Fitz Kreiner]

;D ;D ;D

good one Prof!

i still cant think of any that are clean enought to grace this board! ;D

[John Darnacan]

The Last Request

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Minister at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing £25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Minister, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Minister, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only £10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in Africa. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Minister's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only £8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal cheque for the entire £25,000.

[John Darnacan]

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

[Oldmankrondas]

How many scientologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but only if the lightbulb has fifteen grand!

[John Darnacan]

The Times, among other papers, recently published a new photograph from the Hubble Space Telescope of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now. But now with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

[duncan]

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

[John Darnacan]

duncan said:

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Ha ha, very funny. ;D ;D