The Silliest Letter (Or is it?)

[John Darnacan]

Mrs. Carpathia Macaroon-Wildebeast
128 Hiccup Road
Toot-On-Common, Wibbleshire

Dear Mrs. Macaroon-Wildebeast,

You are cordially invited to the 6th Annual Symposium of the Sussex Rubber Hamster Society. It must be pointed out that despite it's name, the Society has nothing to do with rubber hamsters. In actuality, we are a paramilitary organization, dedicated to the violent overthrow of table salt as the premier condiment.

The purpose of this symposium is to deterime the proper replacement for salt. As you are considered one of the world's most recognised experts on basil, dill and argyle socks, we would like you to share your views.

Please bring with you, two copies of your curriculum vitae and 12 pounds of iron nails. (Sliced cucumbers and harpsicords are optional.)

Sincerely Yours,

Lord Fragbert Thimblewicket
First Edition Copy of Great Expectations
Top Shelf on the Left
Chapter 9, (between pages 68 & 69)

[Meddling Monkey]

Mrs. Carpathia Macaroon-Wildebeast
128 Hiccup Road
Toot-On-Common, Wibbleshire

Dear Mrs. Macaroon-Wildebeast,

Upon hearing of your upcoming presentation at the 6th Annual Symposium of the Sussex Rubber Hamster Society, I was ecstatic at the possibility of meeting you.

Unfortunately, I have accidentally stapled my head to an apple tree, from where I write. The upside of this misadventure is that I have learned to speak apple. And now, the apples have taken me into their confidence.

Apparently, they are also dissatified with salt, many prefering cinnamon. Accordingly, they have encouraged me to attend the symposium, provided I return to the tree and agree to be renailed.

I would be honoured if you would be so kind as to stop by on your way to the symposium. If you would bring a pry bar and bandages, I would be most appreciative.

Sincerely,

Sir Carlton Woods
12 Orchard Way
4th Apple to the Left
Pommetown, Wibbleshire

[Soldeed]

Dear Babs:

I need to have intercourse immediately. Are you available for a romp?

Yours Quickly,

Kenneth Rumpo

[Claire Voyant]

monk said:

Mrs. Carpathia Macaroon-Wildebeast
128 Hiccup Road
Toot-On-Common, Wibbleshire

Dear Mrs. Macaroon-Wildebeast,

Upon hearing of your upcoming presentation at the 6th Annual Symposium of the Sussex Rubber Hamster Society, I was ecstatic at the possibility of meeting you.

Unfortunately, I have accidentally stapled my head to an apple tree, from where I write. The upside of this misadventure is that I have learned to speak apple. And now, the apples have taken me into their confidence.

Apparently, they are also dissatified with salt, many prefering cinnamon. Accordingly, they have encouraged me to attend the symposium, provided I return to the tree and agree to be renailed.

I would be honoured if you would be so kind as to stop by on your way to the symposium. If you would bring a pry bar and bandages, I would be most appreciative.

Sincerely,

Sir Carlton Woods
12 Orchard Way
4th Apple to the Left
Pommetown, Wibbleshire

Dear Sir Carlton,

First, I must thank you for your invitation. Unfortunately, I must decline due to the illness of my husband, who has Nelorovsky Syndrome, the symptoms of which include enlarged pinkies, a compulsion to sniff strangers’ elbows, running around in local parks naked, yelling “I am a banana. I am a banana” and singing “I am Woman; Hear Me Roar” to the local constables.

Apparently, it runs in his family. His grandfather, Sir Edward Hilarity, did the same thing in front of Winston Churchill. Sir Winston was quite appreciative.

Again my apologies for disappointing you. And watch out for the worms.

Yours truly,

Carpathia Macaroon-Wildebeast

[Soldeed]

Dear Carpathia Macaroon-Wildebeast:

Your letter arrived covered in jam. Do try to be tidier.

Yours Sincerely,

Mr. Ken Puttock

[armadillozenith]

Ole, ole, ole, hot's going on we're then?

Caught jam-handed? Sticky-fingered, eh?

Tasting police wime?

I shall have to fake your tingerprints.

Moral: Don't less with the Maw!

An aforementioned Constable.